Remembering Remembering

The year 2016 will close in a few hours and my Facebook feed gets bombarded with how horrible the current year had been with its share of shocking international events and high-profile deaths. Its the worst year, they say. Given how my world turned upside down this year, I might also say the same.

But I remember 2009 as my most difficult year yet I don't remember what transpired during that time. 2016 was difficult, yes, but it strengthened my foundations. Maybe, in the long run, I will not look back with anger but with gratitude for the year that started my future.

In January, I relearned passion. A month away from home recharged my creative juices. The new environment did me well and I remember this month as full of drive and determination. I remember looking out the window and seeing a world that awaits conquering.

In February, I pushed my boundaries. I applied for the international job I've wanted and submitted my first-ever one-act play for a local theatre festival. I realised I define my boundaries and push them when I can, when I think I should. And I should always feel that I should push the envelope. As Princess Tarhata said: "The world belongs to the bold."

In March, I found my ground through flight. A talk with Cyril made me realise my nature: I am not a flower that waits to bloom, I am a bird. I am at my best when I am free. And that despite the adventures, I still need a nest to return to.

In April, I moved to my new home. my bat cave is small but well-lit. And the space fits my need for freedom. Staying in my balcony made me feel like belonging to the world. I and my art do not live in a vacuum. I am a vessel of the world and my art is my permutation of the world.

In May, I relearned that money is only necessary for paying the bills--it could enrich my skills, but not my talents. Edith Piaf said "they cannot print enough money to pay for our talents" and she was correct. I write because I love to write, not because I'm going to earn from it.

In June, I learned to face reality. I let go of travelling for pleasure. If I cannot find myself at home then it is impossible to find myself anywhere else. Travelling to find oneself is pretentious; I am not an escapist. Real clarity can be found despite the noise, not without it.

In July, I fell in love. It breezed through me like air. Unnoticed, fleeting, unwanted yet necessary. I will always wonder why it came at a time when I wasn't looking for anyone to be with.

In August, I chose to stay. The rush came and left too quickly. He decided to be practical while I relished the intensity. In the end, my feelings burned me but I will never regret choosing to stay. When given a chance between walking away and loving, I will always choose to love.

In September, I left my job of six years. The departure enabled me to identify the people who had my best interests at heart. He was uncaring about my whole predicament.

In October, I learned compassion. We want what we want. We love what we love. People do what gives them happiness, even if it means hurting someone else. On my end, I can always choose to forgive and keep my distance. Happiness is a choice.

In November, I learned to give up. There's nothing wrong with having standards and choosing to be with people who embodies those standards. I've built them through the years, by experience, by surviving pain. I lost people, feelings, hope and happiness, but in the end, I felt like a winner. If given a choice between happiness and peace of mind, I should always choose peace of mind.

In December, I learned to let go. Despite how I want what was, I cannot return to the past. People leave and people stay. Sometimes, in my immaturity, I pushed some away. I am keeping the ones who stayed. Because they are worth it. - 12/31/2016