Another Dream Gone

It’s final – I’m a Dumaguete Writers’ Workshop reject. After rushing my entries and discreetly waiting for the results, I have to painstakingly accept my defeat after visiting the site. I didn’t even know the results were released. I haven’t read it in the papers, haven’t seen it in news sites. I saw it by accident. No, it was not by accident. I half-intended to visit their site and check if the results are out.

That was how pathetic I am. The other me was scared. Scared that in the end, I couldn’t –wouldn’t – get what I want. And there it was, fourteen names without mine in it. The list looks so casual, very formal in its neatness. But it was very personal. I didn’t know it could hurt this much.

Rejection. Failure.

I know I’m bound to get disappointed. Millions of feel-good phrases ran in my head. I just started creative writing, I just graduated from college, I’m too immature to actually make a work that can change the landscape of the Philippine literary scene. Aren’t these the very reason why I was reluctant to try it in the first place? I’m too inexperienced. Too raw. Too young.

But there was this nagging feeling. Was it excitement? Or perhaps thrill? That was eating me for days and days on end. The sensation of trying something new. The hunger for moving eats me up the more I think of it. And I knew I had to give it a try.

It was never the thought that I wasn’t prepared that kept nibbling on my nerves. It was the idea that there was one more slot that could have been for me. They accepted only fourteen writers. They admitted only three fellows in the creative non-fiction category. There is a slot for one more. Just one more.

I looked back on the day I rushed to submit my entries. Running to the notary public at the last minute, walking to the nearest CD store, struggling to discreetly send everything while finishing works at the office. I tried didn’t I?

But on the good side, my application in DWW made me realize that:
1) I’m still capable of dreaming.
2) I’m still capable of feeling emotions of excitement, thrill, etc.
3) There are countless ways to improve myself and my craft.
4) I can move.
5) Patience brings out the best ideas.
6) There’s still next year to look forward to.
7) I can’t run away from a responsibility by accepting another responsibility.
8) It’s not the end of the world.
9) I can write an article that can change the landscape of Philippine creative non-fiction.
10) I don’t have to rush. Change comes naturally.