And here we are

I am beginning to feel that sluggishness of having to update an outdated blog account. Blogging seemed to have been largely abandoned in my time and space, largely because I no longer avidly attend writing classes and I became more active in other social media accounts. But I still think blogging is a good habit to maintain because it forces me to sit down and dedicate time for my writing—a leisure nowadays since I’m frequently distracted by Netflix and just hanging out online. 

Anyway, let’s talk about my film.

Late last year, I coaxed Libay into joining a film festival. I had a concept but since my work at an international NGO was time-consuming, I needed the help of a friend to put that idea into a workable material. Also, I don’t feel confident with my writing since the last time I wrote a script was for my cable show early last year. Anyway, I had a concept and Libay liked it. We think it fits the very limited production budget from the festival. Also, we think it was easy to mount. 

We developed the concept for a month, meeting only one weekend to nail down the material. The original theme was old-age suicide, inspired by what happened to one of our bosses. I wrote the storyline based on our initial brainstorming. But it was too depressing. We wanted something light, something that would make us laugh and cry and rake in audiences of all ages. We wanted something fun. 

Thinking about this suicide concept had me coming up with another concept, albeit a different one: about life, finding a new life, an invigoration in old age. So, we changed the material. As usual, I was tasked with writing the storyline (a common thing if one co-writes with me). But writing the storyline was a feat: the characters and the plot we created weren’t sinking in. I feel like a hypocrite if I write them down. So, with four days before the deadline, I raised the ax and killed the material we developed.

I made a new storyline, a new outline, and a new treatment. Libay still wanted to co-write so we divided the material. Nica, who I tapped as a co-director, was also willing to give the material a shot. These two ladies helped me write a full outline and we were able to meet the deadline.

It was 9 in the morning when I trooped to Manila, had our treatment printed out, bound, and submitted for the festival. I did it alone and it was okay. It would be our little secret... if we fail to make the cut, we’d be the only ones who knew the disappointment.

—

I had the most exhilarating trip to Marawi City on January 31. I spent the day with meetings, plannings, and getting my shoulder to the wheel. My body and my mind were beaten and I was raring to drop. Then, a message came from a friend who’s also part of the festival came:

“If your entry gets picked, who will direct it?”

Friend asked. I was tucked in bed when it came but I stood up, opened the window, and lit a cigarette in the middle of the night, in the humid Iligan air.

“Me and Nica?” I answered, unsure. “If they don’t like us... I can ask a more experienced director friend to direct it.”

We exchanged a few more messages but the bottom line was this: The material was shortlisted! And they don’t mind that a pair of newbies (Nica and I) would direct the material. 

I told Nica, who excitedly waited for the email the next day. I was surprised but I didn’t get to process it yet because I was busy with my fieldwork. I was only able to process it when I told TD and we celebrated over shots of vodka. 

It was also during that time, the first weekend of February, that he told me he’s leaving for good, in 14 more days, a sudden news he didn’t share immediately because, like me, he also had to process it. So over a yummy Indian dinner, some cigarettes, and servings of our favorite poison, we decided to call it quits. 

He’ll follow his dreams of working in Switzerland while I fulfill the desire of my young adolescent self: to make a film for this festival.

—

By March 1, Nica and I made the presentation. We were like two little college girls waiting for our turn, constantly reassuring ourselves that it will be okay. The funny thing was that, we didn’t expect to be shortlisted. How can we? We were inexperienced and raw. Sure, I’ve written hundreds of scripts but it was never for a film. Nica had made a lot of AVPs but never longer than 10mins. 

Also, the decade out of college had been hard to us. We jumped from one job to another, always feeling much farther from the dream. Nica took the path of an editor while I took the path of a writer. The ending: to be directors. When we meet directors our age and I shared this teenage dream/fixation, they were surprised that we were exposed earlier to this industry, igniting the constant question: “What happened?” which was a harder-to-answer version of “why did you stop?”

I don’t know how to answer that. Even today, I don’t know why. Life happened? Our sensibilities changed? We wanted to do other things? I don’t know. But we always said to ourselves: One day, it was always one day. Someday. Until that one day became more than a decade.

Until we stopped wanting that dream. So getting the news was a rejuvenation of sorts. It’s not just a creative reawakening for us but also, a reminiscing of the old passion we had for the craft. After this one, Nica and I don’t know if it will be the first or the last. We just know we wanted to do this, get it over with at some point, reach the dream and then dream of something else. When we finish this material, we are also closing a chapter. I’d like to see it as a rite of passage from our adolescence to adulthood. 

Its no wonder why, the script made us nostalgic. We think of the old films we loved from this festival, before we deemed it too “commercial”. (Maybe, we never stayed because we knew the landscape was changing and we do not know how to ride with it anymore. And, we do not want to accept that reality: that our life decisions were taking us further and further away.)

—

By May, we got the news that we’ve been selected as official finalists.

And here we are. - 6/16/2018