Anyway, I don’t have resolutions and lessons lists this time (nobody bothers to read them anyway). I’m over with that. At least for now. So instead
of the usual, I am compiling some musings from my 2012 diary for web
back-up—feelings, thoughts, realizations might be useful for unknown future
use. I chose the ones I like, the ones worth remembering and reading and
laughing about.
(Criselda said its good practice for any writer of any form to write diaries. It helps in the creative process.)
8/1/2012 Wednesday
I’m trying to return to writing diary entries. My previous planner deprived me the leisure so I ditched it and got a new one. This. Since my life seems to be looking up lately career-wise, I want to write everything I can about my slow but sure progress. The past two months have been erratic, wonderful, and uplifting at the least.
8/7/2012 Tuesday
The heavens are angry. Flashfoods happen every now and then, in various areas around Manila. And while the world gets submerged in the wrath, I’m holed in my room for the whole day, drowning in depressive thoughts. If JRL calls to ask about my lack of brainstorming skills, I will tell him two things: 1) I am boring, and 2) I write to compensate for my apparent lack in verbal skills.
8/31/2012 Friday
He likes me. He becomes awkward when I’m around and grows conscious of certain things, like let’s say, the buttoned collars of his shirt or the already arranged edges of his hair. His reactions, I guess, I must have reciprocated. When we talk, we don’t pretend; we feel giddy. He wants my attention the same way I want his. He wants me to acknowledge him. I haven’t yet, I will soon. We share a certain bond, a bond that must make us both uncomfortable; for when we part and the interaction lapsed, we refuse to feel anything other than dislike. This game we play, I like it.
9/19/2012 Wednesday
Balancing two masters is a tough job. I covered the mining conference all day and currently crafting concepts for tomorrow’s pitching. And because of technical difficulties (no Powerpoint program), I have to borrow Jay’s laptop and spend the night in his place, which was also my former residence in Makati.
10/14/2012 Sunday
I’m trying to get over yesterday’s disappointment and assume the sudden fall has something to do with my very high spirits last Friday. My hair will not grow back no matter how hard I cry. It wasn’t so bad. Actually, the cut suits me. So today, my goal is to swallow the bitter pill and just freakin’ learn how rock the look. So when I see my crush, he’d have another reason to make me another drawing.
10/18/2012 Thursday
FLG is a character and his scalding exchange (routinely, I was told) with his daughter is a spectacle to behold. But despite his mood swings and innate creative curiosity, my concept was approved. Good thing I wore pink today—they say he likes pink in girls. It calms him, pink.
10/28/2012 Sunday
I am spending without care lately and I think this might be some form of rebellion. Or maybe I simply want to be in control of something, regardless if it’s as petty as my next wardrobe.
11/15/2012 Thursday
Paul told me: If you like someone, you should not act like you don’t care about them. Sure its been my defense mechanism of sorts for the past years, but, as he pointed out, I won’t get a boyfriend if I do that. He said I should open the roads to communication. Smile and look back. Nica puts it in another more visual way: It’s not like chess where you go cerebral and strategic. This is more like basketball; he has the ball and he passes it to you. Now it’s your turn to pass it to him. I've almost forgotten this. It's been years since I last took notice of a man.
11/22/2012 Thursday
My life is becoming monotonous. I ceased going out and I wake up every morning, looking forward to the end of the day. And my emotional state is no exception. I am waiting for the universe to pass by, breathing in, breathing out. And here I am, writing about teens and their colorful lives for my latest show, as thoughts of dinner with the Mabuhay girls return to me. I don’t remember the conversations much, just the feeling that I am lonely and something is going wrong with my life. This life, I no longer want it.
11/26/2012 Monday
I will stop pretending that I am blissfully ignorant.
12/1/2012 Saturday
He got married today. He was giving off the looks of a man in love. There was nothing special about her. Well, except that she had his attention and now, his lifetime devotion. That made all the difference. It's been years. My emotions betrayed me. My heart is still a traitor.
12/6/2012 Thursday
DNP sent a love letter today. It was too vulgar, too livid, too superlatives the gods will be ashamed. The monster laughed and snorted. And instead of coming back with an apologetic reply, said monster closed the email and resumed writing a happy teen episode.
12/17/2012 Monday
House cleaning means removing the dirt, the filth, and taking out everything unnecessary and harmful in a living environment. It may also mean reforming unwanted practices and conditions. So I will cease being a pack rat and am doing just that. House cleaning.
12/19/2012 Wednesday
SD, the writer I want to become told me I have 'it' but I’m not 'there' yet. (I think this translates to talent surpassing skills.) I have to find my voice as a writer, nourish my values. Having heard this numerous times, from female writers I’ve looked up to in various stages of my career, my reaction remains unanimous: It made me miserable.
12/24/2012 Monday
I found clarity while reading Snow. After going through options, leaving is not too enticing anymore. Darwin told me years back, when I was still fresh out of college, that when crossed with a major decision, he resorts to reminiscing about his childhood. Days of reading, thinking, sketching, and reflecting helped me reach a resolution. I am pretty much stable now.
There. My life in 2012. Not much, really. I'll add more next year! - 12/31/2012
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