The little person

Design by Leilani Chavez

RJ Nuevas handed out his verdict--at least for the first half of the workshop.

I got a rating of 5. He said I sometimes fall off the radar and I need to speak more. He said I need to up the ante, need to throw in better concepts. Five is not a bad rating, really. But when he named those he could recommend for the brainstormer position, I was not in the list.

Maybe I'm not yet ready--a fact I told Jules over chat last week. I told him I feel cloistered, too sheltered to be a scriptwriter. I confessed that sometimes I don't want to to attend  workshops anymore, to just let this pass.

I'm scared.

Maybe I've missed my scriptwriting opportunity years years back. When I pursued print journalism instead of television, when I stopped writing scripts, stopped pouring ideas over coffee, stopped watching movies. Maybe I lost it when I decided I want a book instead of a film, a journalism award instead of the Cinemalaya screening.

Sometimes it comes back. Sometimes I hear it speak in my head and leave with a full-blown migraine. Sometimes it lingers, sometimes it fades. Sometimes I have it, I see it, I can almost touch it. Most often, I don't.

I lost touch of the little person. Maybe I changed. Or maybe, I never had it to begin with.

When things go wrong, I always ALWAYS look for my weakness, like rubbing salt to the wound. As they say, what doesn't kill you makes you stronger.

I told Nica, my forever optimistic friend, over text and here's what she said: "It's a good start. Dwell on it tonight, tomorrow take it as a challenge."

When I continued yapping (er, texting), she responded:"Think of it any way you want, it will still have the same results so dun ka na lang sa brightside." Now this shut me up.


On the good side, 5 is a grade that leaves much room for improvement. Its an in-between number, a thin line that separates success and failure. Also, it could mean being in-between the person I don't want to become and the one I want to become.

We still have 4 more sessions, mostly to focus on writing, a climax of sorts for the almost three-month workshop. Don't get me wrong, I'm hopeful. I'm not cynical, just prepared. It's time to find out if that little person does exist.

--

While watching Step Up 3, some dancers were asked why they dance. Their answers were almost the same as why someone, like me, chose to write:

--> "Because it's like breathing, its like walking to me."
--> "I don't pretend when I dance. I'm more myself than in any other moment of the day."
--> "There are many things this world wants to push down on you. When you dance, you are free."
--> "It's finding the horizon deep inside yourself."

And my favorite quote from the movie: "Everyone can dance. We all have a rhythm inside. If we listen hard enough, maybe we all have the same song."

Maybe if I look harder, I'll see that little person. Again. Okay, stop writing and start watching. Now, this is research. ;)