Suicide

Yesterday, I was contemplating suicide. No, I was not close to killing myself but with all the problems I'm experiencing at the moment, the thought of going the "easy way out" crossed me. But like all the days I get depressed, I always shoved that thought away.

Suicide is not an outcome I wanted for my currently lackadaisical life. In the end, I still have those problems to deal with and even if I die, someone else will shoulder those for me. This argument always gets the best of me. You see, I hate making people responsible for me, my actions. What I do, I stand for it.

Funny how the first thing I heard today when I woke up was about the "apparent" suicide committed by Angelo Reyes, a former AFP Chief of Staff and a former energy chief.

I talked to "Angie" a lot when I was in the energy beat. Although I was a cub in that sector, I immediately pitied him. I see him as a man gobbled up by the whole industry he knew nothing about, earning rolling eyes from the experienced media reporters who have been covering that beat for decades. I learned this the day he was called for a budget deliberations at the House of Representatives, when the lawmakers present pushed for an executive session.

An executive session, you see, is important--and news-worthy. If it pushed through, it could have landed me a banner story for that day alone. The situation was this: looming energy shortages have been anticipated by the DOE in time for the 2010 elections, which coincidentally was the first polls using electronic casting and counting of votes. If widespread black-out occurs, there's high chance of a failure of elections. The outcome: GMA (who's getting negative approval ratings) gets to stay in office.

Never in that four hours, did Angie say the country will experience a blackout during the elections. Never too did he mention an energy crisis. When called for an executive session, he refused.

When news came out, other publications (yes, broadsheets) wrote that Angie warned of an energy crisis. In short, he was misquoted. I have reason to believe too that it didn't happen just that instance. Maybe it was reporter's pride or their capacity to blow things out of proportion that placed Angie in a hot pot during the whole energy debacle. To begin with, he was never the perfect man for the job.

Then again, jumping from one department to another was the price he paid for disloyalty. In the end, even the former president did not trust him enough with regards to Gen. Garcia's hidden wealth. The death, no matter how gruesome or tragic it had been, Angie brought it to himself.

When people grow old, nothing else matters but those who are close to them--their families, select friends, the trusted people who stood by them all throughout the years. If Angie did shot himself, I believe he did so because he wanted to protect his family and the military. It was not pride or honor or an act of courage or cowardice. It was a move to shut up a part of him that knew too much to protect what was important for him. Because he probably knew, that once he opens his mouth, he will take down a whole institution with him.

Again and again, I pity him.